Talk Up Talk Over Gifts for Good Apologies

Miss Manners was asked about a floral peace offering. Following a spat with his wife, the husband gave her a flower bouquet. She said the gesture was inadequate until he arranged the flowers into a vase.
     Miss Manners replied that the wife has some strange ideas about thoughtfulness. Reader comments accompanying the column included the perspective that a bouquet of flowers—or any gift—usually falls short as an apology.
     Studies at Wageningen University and Erasmus University support this perspective. The researchers caution retailers against misrepresenting presents as vehicles for atonement. People in the studies were less likely to accept a gift when it was described as an apology for a transgression.
     Perception that a gift’s primarily intended as apology leads to a more negative appraisal of the gift giver. This is because the recipient almost always wants to talk with the other party about the hurt feelings and therefore views the gift giving as evidence the gift giver misunderstands them. Related to this feeling, the gift giving seems like an easy way out. For an apology to be credible, there must be sufficient efforts. Not just extending the grasped bouquet toward you, but also moving on to retrieve just the perfect vase and to use it. Talk up talk as crucial for credible apologizing.
     Receiving an apology gift also leads to a more negative appraisal of the item. This is because the gift reminds the recipient of the argument or hurt each time the gift is used or experienced. HEC Montréal researchers identified a related effect in the realm of self-gifting: There are circumstances in which people will buy souvenirs of an experience and store the souvenirs out of sight in order to help forget about the experience.
     The circumstances are ones in which the experience is unpleasant, yet the consumers believe they are obliged to endure the experience. The researchers used as an example visits to the World Trade Center 9/11 memorials. Tracking a cadre of site visitors over a period of eight years, the researchers saw many instances in which souvenirs of the visit were sought, purchased, and then kept in the home without ever being looked at or shown to others. The purchasers spoke about wanting to honor the victims of the terrorist attacks, then using the act of storing away the souvenir as a way to compartmentalize the anger and grief aroused by the visit.

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